Almost at the 3 month mark!

I'm writing this with a baby sleeping on me. Awww. Cute. You might be thinking this. And it is. I just didn't think he'd be sleeping right now.  He napped. Then he "woke up" to eat. Then he went back to sleep. I let him fuss long enough (in my opinion) to signify that he needed something. And it seemed like it was a meal. But then after he eats he usually is awake and alert and ready to go.  Unless it's the "bed time" feeding. Eat. Awake. Sleep. That's the routine we try and do. But then, sometimes he needs some extra sleep time. Or extra awake time. Or extra eating. All in different orders. So I'm just going to embrace this moment and let him sleep. On me. Maybe he's growing. Of course he's growing! He's a baby! That's one of his top hobbies in life. But maybe it's a growth spurt. Maybe. Probably. 

 These are the conversations I play out in my head. I try and justify doing the things I do with Felix and explaining the things I do to a pretend audience of people who might be grilling me or questioning me or doubting me. And  I most of the time never actually need to play out these conversations in real life. At least not in the sense that I think I will need to convince someone that I'm doing it right. Hah. I find that when I'm feeling most insecure, I take people's suggestions or their mere interaction with Felix as a personal attack on who I am. He cries. Do you need a diaper change? They say. Are you hungry? Did mommy feed you enough? Are you cold? Are you hot? They ask next. And sometimes I want to scream I'm right here, ask me! But then I realize, I do the same thing! The kid can't talk. I go through the same questions with him, and with other babies, letting him hear my own thought process aloud. It's not all about me. Ugh. I'm sorry.

And on that note, Felix is growing! He's becoming so much more alert. He is "finding his hands," which basically means that he's discovering he has things called hands that are a part of his body and he can control what they do. He "grabs" at things in front of him.  I use all these quotations because these actions he does don't exactly look like what we do. His grabbing is more like a 30+ second process that looks like he's accidentally swinging his wrists into an object and by chance gets a finger or two around the object. But he's actually focusing really hard to make that happen. 

Here's a picture of us at the beach. Our first trip to the beach. HAH. Look at all that gear/equipment/STUFF!

I had to ask this stranger to take the picture because it was such a momentous event for us. We thought it'd be nice to do an impromptu trip to the beach one evening. You know, like we used to do. But by the end of the trip we were reminded it just looks different with a baby. Long story short, it took us about a WHILE to prep for the trip because I had to feed him/change him/pack a bottle diaper bag and other things like a little tent to protect him from the elements. Then, by the time we were in the car, he was hungry again and so as soon as we made it to the beach we rushed out to set up shop and feed him. We decided to try and feed him a bottle, even though he had been rejecting them. This would be the time we make him learn how to do it! Stupid. I ended up nursing him after about 45 minutes of this nonsense. Mike went to go get the food we ordered. Felix fell asleep. He came back and we scarfed down our food and sat still for about 10 minutes and looked into the ocean.  I passed the sleeping baby to Mike. He woke up. Cried. We packed up and left. It was great. But seriously. Those 10 minutes of being a family on the beach was worth it.

Motherhood. I think it's God's way of reminding me of my sin--> imperfection, failures, ways that I don't choose to follow God. And his grace-->his choice to give me better than what I have earned. I can't earn his love for me. I can't do this life perfectly. Or even close to perfect. And we are not defined by our sin, but rather by His grace. Thank God.

I just feel like he's doing his own version of a happy dance here. :-)